Chapter 1 The Unremembered Past

Everything that happened before the age of four or five was a blank to Shen You.

Unlike her younger sister, Yi You, who was doted on by their father, she wasn't as clever and generous as her older sister, Fo You. When she had just been brought back from the north, the physicians said that her dazed, cowering state was due to excessive fright. This was what her older sister later told her, and then asked, "How much do you remember of what happened back then?"

Shen You was copying the Heart Sutra and looked up blankly at the sound of her words.

"It's just…" Fo You paused, her voice unintentionally becoming softer, "What happened during those years when you were captured in the Jin Kingdom."

Shen You shook her head, but her brush was full of ink. With the shake of her head, a drop of thick ink stained the paper.

She didn't remember, but she always seemed to see it in her dreams. When she woke up, her pillow and bedding would be soaked in sweat and tears, but she couldn't remember anything. Just thinking about it made her head ache and her whole body tremble.

Her sister had told her about the things that had happened in the northern kingdom, very carefully and slowly. Shen You listened as if she were looking at flowers in a fog. She always felt like she was listening to someone else's story, and it didn't stir her memory. The wet nurse then advised her that it wasn't a good thing anyway, so why should the princess be so persistent? She was somewhat stubborn, but she didn't retort, only gave the wet nurse a cold look.

Everyone said that Princess Shen You's eyes were always extremely cold and deep, inspiring awe.

She didn't know when or where this assessment had come from, nor did she know why she gave others this feeling. In Shen You's heart, the only person she could call "close" was her older sister, and only her older sister would come to the opposite conclusion – timid. In her memory, her older sister was always pulling her, pulling her to find their father, pulling her to amuse the Empress and the consorts, pulling her out of the palace to play, pulling her to tease her younger siblings, pulling her through one long dark night after another, slowly falling asleep to the sound of her older sister's gentle reading, the last memory before dreaming was the warm feeling in her palm.

Sometimes Shen You felt that her father was her sister, and her mother was also her sister.

Her mother had died in the Jin Kingdom, leaving her with no memories of her appearance or smile. And her father? Her father was the Emperor.

What was the Emperor? A word that decided life and death, an action that could determine the fate of the world. Shen You learned to read, and every word in the books told her: the Emperor's heart was the will of Heaven, and the Emperor's command could not be disobeyed. The books also told her: the Emperor was a boat that was carried by water. But she was just a small drop of dew. How could a drop of dew capsize a large boat? So, her father liked his children to read and understand reason, so she read poetry and history with her sister. Her father never mentioned the consorts who had been lost in the northern kingdom, so she didn't show her curiosity about her birth mother in front of her father. Her father thought that the eldest son of Wu, the Regional Military Commissioner, would be a good person to entrust her to, so she married Wu Fu.

But in reality, it wasn't like that. She wasn't willing to accept it with joy.

Shen You didn't like reading, she really didn't. Sometimes she really admired her sister and Consort Wu – her sister could always hold a book in her hand, and Consort Wu could still read through the long and tedious texts even if she didn't like them. Once, when she heard her sister discussing the Buddhist and Taoist metaphors in *Journey to the West* with Consort Wu, Shen You subconsciously turned her head and exchanged a glance with Consort Pan. At that moment, she realized that she and Consort Pan actually had the same subtle feelings.

Compared to reading, she liked embroidery and painting. Her sister teased her, saying that her painting skills were all traced from patterns. She didn't know whether to refute this, and in the end, she remained silent as always. The first time her father took her and her sister to Xiangguo Temple, she was amazed by the lifelike buildings, people, and animals on the walls. It was a kind of ethereal and mysterious magnificence that the dilapidated and familiar inner palace did not possess. After returning, she carefully traced those murals on paper and then embroidered them into a table screen. But this naive yet exquisite table screen and painting did not bring her any praise. Of course, the only people who saw it were the wet nurse and her sister.

The wet nurse frowned, her respectful expression mixed with disapproval: "The Emperor doesn't like gods and Buddhas, how can the princess…"

She didn't finish her words. With a "bang," Shen You turned her head. The thick *Wen Xuan* in her sister's hand was thrown on the ground, but she didn't look angry, only stared at her with a gentle expression and asked, "Did I scare you?"

Shen You shook her head, turned around, and opened her arms to her sister, falling into a familiar, warm embrace as she wished. She buried her head in her sister's neck and saw the wet nurse bowing and retreating respectfully in the clear glass. Finally, she stared at herself in the reflection, her eyes slightly curved, with a hint of smug satisfaction that was almost imperceptible.

This year was the fifth year of the Jianyan era.

In the fifth year of the Jianyan era, her younger sister, Yi You, was not yet one year old, and her older sister had already been promised away by their father. In the seventh year of the Jianyan era, she also had a consort.

Shen You had never thought about the matter of a consort or getting married. She had once been anxious about the birth of her younger sister, Yi You. She was her sister's sister, and Yi You was also her sister's sister. Her father liked her younger sister so much, Shen You didn't care, but she didn't know if her sister would like Yi You more than her, just like their father.

She and her sister were raised in Consort Pan's palace. In the past, Consort Pan would only give a routine greeting every day, but after having a younger sister, she kept even more at a distance from them. Fo You often wanted to pull her to look for their father, but now there was often a younger sister in their father's arms. Shen You quietly watched her sister sit next to their father and tease the child, but she only felt a stinging sensation. Later, there was finally one time when her sister wanted to pull her to find their father again, Shen You slapped her hand away.

Her sister looked over in surprise. She lowered her head and told her frankly that she didn't like Yi You.

Why? There were too many reasons. In the past, their father's embrace was her sister's. Shen You was afraid of being touched by others, so every time her sister would take the initiative to throw herself into their father's arms, and then reach out to hold her hand. In the past, the consorts and wet nurses in the palace cared most about her sister. All she heard was her sister gently returning the greetings to the people who greeted her, and also returning the greetings on behalf of the silent her. In the past, her sister was the focus of everyone's attention, and she, Zhao Shen You, was her sister's focus.

Unexpectedly, her sister looked around at the empty surroundings and retorted expressionlessly, "Do you think I want to go?"

Her sister was always the Great Song princess praised by everyone, a figure who seemed to have walked out of countless laudatory phrases for royal noblewomen. This was the first time Shen You had seen her sister so clearly express emotions that "shouldn't" exist. She looked up in surprise, but her sister had already taken the lead in lifting her skirt and stepping over the threshold, still the same gentle and refined, filial and loving eldest princess.

Shen You, however, revealed her inner thoughts at this moment.

There was a saying among the common people that five- and six-year-olds were troublemakers, and seven- and eight-year-olds were disliked even by dogs. Shen You and her sister were just lightly dismissed as "yellow-haired girls" in the mouth of the Zhao Song Emperor. No one had ever let her experience what it was like to be disliked even by dogs. Shen You didn't know why others were, but she was just afraid, she was afraid of her father. But she also admired her sister. That kind of dependence and endless trust seemed to be a mark flowing in her blood.

In the past, she believed that her sister would not abandon her, and now she would not either – she suddenly felt an indescribable joy. She understood that only she, Zhao Shen You, had seen such a side of her sister, an undisguised, ordinary side.

But it soon wouldn't be anymore. What took away her privilege was her sister's consort, Yue Yun, the eldest son of Yue, the Regional Military Commissioner.

After Fo You and Shen You's marriages were settled, both consorts went to the military academy to train for a year or two, first Yue Yun, then Wu Fu. Shen You didn't know what this meant at first, and her sister didn't seem to realize it either. However, this "unconsciousness" soon became Shen You's delusion alone. She heard with her own ears how her sister subtly and tactfully inquired about Yue, the Regional Military Commissioner, and her consort, and inquired about their father's attitude. She also saw with her own eyes her sister and her future consort sitting opposite each other, one with a rare shyness mixed with a simple honesty, and the other with a generous demeanor containing a clever mind.

A good match, Shen You said, carefully observing her sister's expression. Her sister put her arm around her and asked after a long while if she wanted to meet Wu Fu too, or write a letter like her sister.

Shen You refused.

She hated anything that required her to interact with others, and especially hated being touched by men, including her father. The only person she didn't hate was probably her sister. No one knew why, and no one remembered to care why. It was just an insignificant quirk of the high and mighty Zhao Song princess. Shen You also didn't know why she had to marry, and didn't know how she and her sister had consorts in a daze, and even her young sister, who was still stumbling when she walked, had one too. She had once heard her sister read the old records of Princess Taiping in the New Tang Book to her. She didn't think about seizing power like Taiping, but she wanted to be able to avoid marriage in the name of cultivating Taoism and Buddhism like Taiping – Shen You really wanted to be a layperson who practiced in seclusion.

Logically speaking, as the years went by, fewer and fewer people would go against his wishes when it came to things that her father didn't like. It was just that her father frowned when he heard her affirmative answer that she was "interested in Buddhism and Taoism," after which he only frowned at the Buddhist scriptures on her table. When her sister later remembered and inadvertently wondered why she wasn't afraid of her father getting angry, Shen You firmly replied that she knew he wouldn't.

Her sister was holding Yue Yun's letter in her hand. She was stunned for a moment when she heard this before she reacted and praised her for being quite clear-headed.

Of course, she was clear-headed. She knew that her father wouldn't care about this trivial matter, just meditating and reading a scroll or two of Buddhist scriptures, it wasn't as if she was going to become a nun in a shocking manner. Just like in the future, as long as she didn't cause a big disturbance at her wedding or get a divorce, her father probably wouldn't care whether she and her consort were deeply in love or slept in the same bed but had different dreams. It was the command of parents and the words of a matchmaker, the Zhao Song princess and the meritorious officials of the military family. Even now, Shen You seemed to be even luckier. In today's world where her father's power was growing, she at least didn't have to worry about being virtuous to death under the picky eyes of famous officials and virtuous men, like Princess Yongshou and Di Ji, Princess Chongde. She only needed to marry over and live an ordinary life, either happily or sadly, like thousands of blindly married couples, adding to the splendor of the overall situation of the world that her father was solely concerned about, as he wished.

But she just had a little bit of unwillingness… not even enough to be called unwillingness, it could only be said to be a disoriented sadness.

Wu Fu was not as good as Yue Yun, who had both literary and military talent like Yue, the Regional Military Commissioner, nor was he like Han Yanzhi (proposed consort for Yi You, the eldest son of Han Shizhong), who was a rebellious and outstanding talent compared to his father. He was like the vast majority of the sons of officials, not very outstanding, but not so bad either. It wasn't that she hadn't heard the criticisms, and some even said that this was because the Second Princess had always been the most inconspicuous in front of the Emperor, and that everything was destined.

Everything was destined, and there was nothing one could do about it, so Shen You had to accept it.

She had to accept it. Her sister was truly deeply in love with her consort, and Yi You was also truly showing a peacefulness that would last until old age. Only she treated her consort with respect, a respect as cold as ice. There was nothing wrong with Wu Fu either, but no matter how much he inherited his father's smoothness and delicacy, he couldn't understand the princess's hidden and undeniable resistance and indifference, let alone understand her years of tossing and turning and her lonely desolation.

Shen You didn't know if her father and the two consorts had seen it, but only Mama Chengping (Empress Dowager Wei) had privately hinted at it once during the New Year's Festival, saying that this was somewhat inappropriate, and that her nephew must be a capable officer that the Emperor could use.

During the New Year's banquet, cups clinked and goblets were exchanged, and the entire table was full of laughter and cheerful words. This one sentence was like a head-on blow, directly and rudely smashing open the things she was unwilling to admit – it was her who was at fault, and any reason was also her fault. Shen You was in the warm hall, with her consort, who was accustomed to her depressed expression, by her side, but she felt as if she was standing alone on a vast white land, with ice and snow piercing her bones, and no one to rely on.

Those who know me say that I am worried, those who do not know me ask what I seek. Her drifting gaze subconsciously searched for her sister's figure, until her sister pulled her away from the banquet at some point. Like the countless times in her childhood when she could hardly bear the crowd and her face turned purple, her sister led her along the empty, deserted path, walking aimlessly forward.

After a long time, Shen You heard her sister's voice. She comforted her gently as before, "Did you suffer any grievances? Just tell me."

Shen You spoke incoherently, talking about her consort, her siblings, the consorts, and her father. She seemed to regain her senses at the end, and her words stopped abruptly. After a long while, she said softly, "I really can't… I can't do it, Sister, I can't do it."

I can't be a princess who meets expectations, and I can't be an ideal wife either. I am futilely chasing after your figure, wanting to hide behind my sister as before, and take my sister as my only shelter.

But both she and her sister had grown up, and her sister had her own consort, and would have her own children soon.

Shen You hesitated, and finally just hugged her sister as before, and sighed extremely lightly and finely in a place where she couldn't see.

…She can't be willful anymore.

They didn't know when they had walked to the vicinity of the stone pavilion that her sister liked to go to the most. The place that was usually full of chief ministers and important officials was now empty. The dim, reddish-red afterglow of the winter evening passed through the gray-black mulberry branches and scattered on the ground in fragments. Night was approaching, and the crescent moon hanging like a hook on the eaves of the palace, mixed with the scattered lights everywhere in the inner palace, spread in the darkening night, and the emptiness was infinitely stretched.

"Shen You, the scenery here is not as good as the thatched pavilion on the hill, but I love this place alone. Do you know why?" Her sister said as if answering her own question, "Because I can rely on my father not caring, and come here without reporting or requesting, and see from afar the way my father and the chancellors are racking their brains and whipping the world. Others can't, Consort Wu and Consort Pan don't dare either."

"--This is the place where I can most clearly feel that the Emperor is our father. But it is also here that I have realized countless times that I can never sit in that pavilion in a dignified manner. I can't, you can't, and Yi You can't either. I'm afraid my father will never know that I realized this thought because of him. But so what?"

"Are there few things that are destined in this world? Are there few things that are hard to reconcile with unwillingness? I have heard people use despicable thoughts to speculate about our aunts and sisters, saying that the Zhao noblewomen have enjoyed all the glory and wealth, and that the Jingkang Affair is not worth sympathizing with… but this is the truth, Shen You. The one who said this was a porter who was resting in a teahouse. His old mother and sisters were offered to the Jin people by Emperor Yuansheng in those years, and their life and death are still unknown… I'm afraid they are also more dead than alive. What do you say about this?!"

"Shen You," the all-powerful, virtuous, and refined sister said helplessly, "You have to live your life no matter what, you have to let yourself go."

There is no suffering, gathering, extinguishing, or path, no wisdom and no gain, because there is nothing to be gained. In the end, Shen You really didn't know whether she had let herself go or not, but she became even more dissolute and indulged in Buddhism, painting, and embroidery.

The troops under her father's imperial banner marched all over the great rivers and mountains, and after more than ten years, they restored the foundation of the Han and Tang dynasties. The world of prosperity had already arrived. Shen You was a princess, and she couldn't travel around the mountains and rivers like ordinary scholars without making a big fuss, so she had to browse through volumes and read scriptures. The murals on Xiangguo Temple that had amazed her were copied by her onto paper in their original form, and the *Along the River During the Qingming Festival* was borrowed from her father for several years. When it was returned, it had become two paintings. It was just that the new painting had fewer bridges and more mule carts with flags delivering meals, the crowd cheering and shouting in the Hanfang Garden Cuju field, the idlers waving lottery tickets, and the envoys from various small countries in different forms.

The consort didn't understand painting, and only persuaded her a few times when he saw that she seemed to be working hard, and then let her drop the matter. Even the father, who was known as a literary talent, was not as excited as the close officials and retainers around him. Perhaps she had really let herself go. When she put down her pen to write the inscription, she didn't dodge in her father's gaze for the first time, and smiled at her sister, who was grinding ink for her, between the pauses of her pen –

First, I wish the Zhao Song dynasty a thousand years, second, I wish my father eternal health. Third, I wish to be like the swallows on the beams, seeing each other year after year.